The Best Of My Best Year Ever

In the year or so since I put down my pen in this particular webspace, the three or four of you still reading this probably know that I've been frittering away my time and (lack of) talent sifting through celebrity trash over at Best Week Ever. While the majority of my days consist of scouring the Webernets for the LATEST! HOTTEST! EXCLUSIVEST! pictures of Lindsay Lohan clipping her toenails, from time to time I produced pieces that made me feel something resembling pride. Here are a few of the things I don't completely regret having my name on:

• I blew the lid off the "Joe Rogan is an Insecure Douche" story.
• I managed to bring Mr. T into the current political debate over immigrant rights.
  
• I wrote an in-depth analysis of the similarities between the East Coast/West Coast Hip-Hop Feuds of the late 90's and the Squabbling Dumb Whores of today.
• I wrote about the Birth of the Messiah.
• I selflessly attempted to make sense of the meaning behind Jared Leto's shitty, shitty music.
• I met K-Fed.
• I found out what those kids from Beverly Hills 901210 are up to these days.
• I took a scientific look at the Lifespan of the Party Girl.
• I discovered some Random Facts about Jews (according to Mel Gibson).
• I intercepted a secret memo from my company Viacom to recently-fired movie star Tom Cruise.
• I called "Bullshit!" on Zach Braff.
• I introduced Britney Spears fans to Dante.
• I talked more shit about Jared Leto.
• I signed Lindsay Lohan's cast.
• Even more Leto bashing. Wow, I have a problem.
• I made the poor decision of imagining a Guide to Sex Positions written by Screech.
• I illustrated the differences between child-molesting congressman Mark Foley, Beverly Hills Cop Axel Foley and Professional Wrestler Mick Foley.
• I finally brought my Leto Hatred to the point of orgasm.
• I went to the Woodies, got to meet Beck, and witness Jared Leto's douchebaggery in person.
• I brought the plight of Tara Reid to the attention of the world.
• I broke the exclusive tracklisting of the Lohan Christmas Album.
• I made a campaign ad promoting the consumption of Horse Meat.
• I receieved a message from Britney Spears' vagina.
• I invented Party Water.

And finally, perhaps best of all:

• I got hate mail from Dane Cook.
  

What a long strange year it's been. So what did I learn? Apparently nothing - other than the fact that I really, really hate Jared Leto.

We'll see how the next year goes (if Jordan Catalano doesn't badass me to death first).