Thursday, October 27, 2005

Thoughts of a Relatively Unknown Comedian Going Home After Taping a Soundbite on Some VH1 Show About Celebrities

Well, that was fun. I can't believe I'm finally gonna be on TV! Mom's going to freak.

I wonder when "40 Wackiest Celebrity Refrigerator Contents" is going to air. I hope they thought my insights about David Faustino's groceries were hilarious. I wonder how much of that stuff actually makes it onto the air. Surely they'll use the bit where I said, "Paris Hilton's not a big fan of condiments. Or condoms, either." HA! That's gold.

I hope that I seemed animated enough. It seems like the people who get on the air the most are then ones who make the funniest faces. Like Michael Ian Black - that guy's ALWAYS on those shows! He's like the world's foremost expert on everything dealing with Hollywood, pop culture and the 80s. But maybe they use him a lot because he's semi-famous and the viewers might recognize him from Ed. I wonder if the people watching it will see me, turn to their friend and say, "Who the fuck is this asshole, and what makes his opinion worth broadcasting to millions of people?" That's what I always say when I watch these shows.

Who watches these shows? It seems like the only people I know who watch them are the people who might be on them. I wonder if they have more guests than viewers. I think a lot of hungover people might watch these shows. How else could finding out what kind of mustard Steve-O from Jackass prefers possibly be interesting? I hope they use my joke about how when someone asks Steve-O if he'd like any Grey Poupon, he lights himself on fire and tells them to rub it on his butt." That's funny, right?

I hope I dressed appropriately. Hopefully the viewers will immediately recognize the irony in my decision to wear a "REO Speedwagon" shirt. That's what these shows are about, right? Celebrating all things ironic? But what if the viewers are younger? Will they even know who REO Speedwagon is, and how my wearing their shirt is in fact subtly funny? What if they just think I'm some douche who sincerely likes shitty bands from the seventies who they've never heard of except in their parents' record collections, which has become a symbol of everything they resent? Fuck.

Okay, I have to put myself in the position of the viewer. I'm 20 years old. I spent the previous evening pounding Milwaukee's Best Light over at my friend Trey's house, playing video games and hitting on some slutty high school chicks who showed up to give out handjobs. My head is pounding and my mouth tastes like a litter box. I wish I were dead. Would I want to see a grinning comedian in an REO Speedwagon t-shirt making silly faces and saying things like, "If there's anything Bo Jackson loves, it's his honey mustard dressing. Bo knows honey mustard" or would I just change the channel, masturbate and go back to bed? Probably the latter.

Oh well, at least I got to meet DJ Jazzy Jeff.

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