I'm Sorry, But U2 Fucking Sucks.

U2 is doing an HOUR LONG set tomorrow night on Conan O'Brien, possibly performing as many as five songs from their "latest" record, which came out last year. This is the first time in the history of the show that they've dedicated an entire episode to a band. Also the first time in the history of the show that they've dedicated an entire episode to a shitty, completely overrated band.

A few weeks ago, U2 did a similar guest appearance on Entourage, playing live for over a third of the whole episode, wasting valuable screentime that could have been filled by Jeremy Piven running through a studio hallway while verbally abusing someone on his cell phone and throwing his Blackberry at an assistant. What the fuck about U2 makes them so special that they get this sort of primetime TV real estate? In my opinion, absolutely nothing.

You know, I'm aware of how overwhelmingly popular of a band U2 is. Most people either love them or don't really mind them, but not me. No, I fucking hate them. And I'm not really talking about their personalities, because I admire much of what Bono does politically, even though about a third of the time he comes off like sort of a whiny rockstar dick. And Edge seems okay, despite choosing to call himself "Edge". I just hate the bland, reheated, completely generic noise they produce, then call "music". U2 are the "Hot Pockets" of rock and roll - if you're starving and the only other options are weird Asian condiments, raw sugar packets and week-old leftovers that are starting to smell, you can joylessly consume them to keep from starving.

Seriously, people - it's time to get honest. U2 hasn't made a good album since 1991, so I think it is safe for us all to stop acting like every new record they release is cause for worldwide rejoice, like it's a new millennium celebration or something. Their old albums are good, and maybe it would be fun to shell out the $97,000 to see them live once in a decade or so, but stop buying their fucking albums! Maybe that way they won't continue ruining my favorite TV shows, and they can finally retire peacefully to swim laps in their moneybins*.

Face it - U2 is Coldplay, twenty years past their prime.

*Speaking of moneybins, did it ever bother anyone else that, on that cartoon "Duck Tales", whenever Uncle Scrooge dove headfirst, like three stories down into his money bin, which mostly consisted of gold and other metal coins, he never seemed to be hurt even slightly, much less splatter blood and feathers all over the place? Doesn't make sense to me.