Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Return to the Whole Foods Customer Moron Suggestion Board

It has been quite awhile since the last time we witnessed this condemnation of free speech, so I thought I'd share with you the latest round of customer suggestions, Whole Foods responses, and BlaggBlogg rebuttals. If you're not already familiar with it, Whole Foods is this not very supermarket where Guilty Rich White Liberals pay exorbitant prices for groceries in order to still have one thing in their worthless lives that doesn't stand in direct contradiction to the Hippie Ideals they sold out about four SUV's ago.

Suggestion #1

Customer - Today I found that there were excessive amounts of NaCl in both the Chipotle Chicken and the Lentil Soup. Please be advised.

Whole Foods' Response - We're sorry these items weren't to your tasting. We follow our recipes faithfully and they are usually very consistent in flavor. We hope these items meet your approval in the future.

What I Would Have Said - First of all, Mr. Wizard, why can't you just say 'salt' like every other normal human being in the world? Do you think your vast knowledge of the Periodic Table of the Elements is somehow going to better convey your meaningless opinion that the soup/chicken was "a little too salty" on this ONE DAY. Do you bother to fire off an angry missive every time some poor chef puts a little too much paprika in your dinner? I bet your children seriously fucking hate you. "Dad, could you pass the salt please?" "It's sodium chloride, Timmy. Now go to your room and don't come back until you can list all the elements with their respective numbers and positions."

Suggestion #2

Customer - In the United Kingdom, all vegetarian goods are marked with a "V" sticker. It really makes finding them so much easier, and I'd appreciate it if you tried doing this.

Whole Foods' Response - This is a very good idea. While it would be quite an undertaking for us, we'll see what we can do.

What I Would Have Said - Well, in the UK, people also drive on the wrong side of the road and eat food that tastes like blended up garbage. That's cause its a DIFFERENT FUCKING COUNTRY. If you like it so much better back there, go freeze your ass off in an overpriced London flat while listening to the unending rain and feeling glad that you were able to easily locate your Tofuburger. Also, do you seriously need "vegetarian" food to be marked as such? I'm a carnivore and all, but I think it would pretty fucking easy to identify whether the vegetables I'm browsing are in fact vegetarian. Rather than making us stay late after our shift applying retarded stickers to all the products, try this little tip: if its a meat product, its not vegetarian. If you're still confused, try taking a gander at that little thing on the label that says "ingredients". Remember, no meat = vegetarian.

Suggestion #3

Customer - Could you please stock Boston Cream Pie flavored non-dairy yogurt?

Whole Foods' Response - Sorry, but we couldn't find this flavor in any of the lines we carry.

What I Would Have Said - Do you just wander around the Earth, making completely random and highly unlikely requests for things that probably don't even exist? While you're at it, why don't you see if Whole Foods would mind stocking Spicy Tuna Roll flavored low fat pita chips. Try asking Jesus next time.

Suggestion #4

Customer - I think that you should have dried peaches in the dried foods section and I think you should give tofu samples out.

Whole Foods' Response - We have not been able to find un-sulfured dried peaches that taste good. We will keep looking. And tofu samples are available at the salad bar.

What I Would Have Said - I think that a hurricane shouldn't have come and devastated a large portion of our country and I think our electoral process is patently ridiculous and I think all dogs should go to heaven and I think the world would be so much better if people could simply realize that more good comes from charity and kindness than war and agression. But am I scrawling down these opinions on a suggestion card so some minimum wage lackey can conjure up a half-assed PR response in place of offering an actual solution to my grievances? No, I'm not, so go back to pilfering the salad bar for as many free tofu samples as you can shove down your throat, you whiny hippie.

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