Thursday, September 08, 2005

If You Wait In Line For a Nightclub, You're An Idiot


I'm a relatively social person. I like to go out with friends, to large dark rooms with music playing, and drink multiple alcoholic beverages among strangers. For reasons I will never completely understand, I find this to be a fun activity. However, I have managed to maintain a somewhat firm grasp on the reality that what I am doing is neither exciting nor a life-defining, mind-blowing human experience. It's getting wasted and trying to pick up chicks. Which is why I would never be caught dead waiting behind a velvet rope for some meathead high school dropout to grant me entrance into a nightclub full of people I hate on coke.

Last time I was in Los Angeles, my well-meaning friend, earnestly thinking I would want the full "LA Experience", took us to some nightclub (I can't remember the name - "Ice" or "Sky" or "Cloud" or "Water" or some shit), which had about 50 people gathered under a tent-like structure that resembled a stable (and in many ways, it was), waiting to be granted admittance into said club. As I gazed into the anxious, desperate faces of the mostly-male loser contingent laid out before me, I had to actively suppress the overwhelming urge to ask each of them, individually, what the fuck they were expecting was going on inside that would make their pathetic wait somehow worthwhile.

Were they imagining Shiatsu massage chairs surrounding lavender-scented tables covered with cocaine, under each of which exists a nude celebrity model waiting to gratify their every oral whim while the ghost of John Lennon gives them a private concert of Sgt. Pepper-era Beatles songs? Because I can't think of any other reason to spend hours watching douchebags and their plastic model freak girlfriends waltz past them for an hour and a half when there are FORTY-EIGHT other bars serving alcohol within walking distance!?!? It makes me want to have a lobotomy.

If someone wanted to make a lot of money, they should invent designer lawn chairs for this very purpose. Kenneth Cole could sell them right next to those stupid fucking tinted sunglasses that J-Lo and greasy coke dealers all wear. Waiting for hours in a line outside a club is about 87 times more pathetic than those geeks who camp out for "Star Wars" because a) at least the Star Wars geeks have fake lightsaber battles and shit to pass the time, rather than just standing there looking like a faggot, and b) the "Star Wars" films (even the prequels) are 87 times better than anything that happens inside your stupid fucking nightclub.

Maybe if you morons wait long enough, you'll figure out how lame you look. As for me, I'm gonna go across the street to the dive bar and hit on the slutty waitresses from the PF Chang's next door who just got off their shift.

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