Your Car Alarm Is Pointless

Dear Owner of the Toyota Tercel Outside My Office,

Your car alarm, which has been blaring in my ear for the last fifteen minutes, is utterly pointless. The fact that you have not yet made this infuriating sound cease to exist, or programmed the stupid alarm to turn off after a certain period of time, is making me hate you with an increasing degree of intensity. That you would even bother spending the time and money outfitting your mediocre vehicle with this useless, completely unnecessary noise-contraption tells me that you're an idiot.

First of all, nobody is going to try to steal your boring little shitbox of an automobile. Most of the drug dealers and assorted criminals who purchase their vehicles on the black market have no interest in rolling around town, conducting their business in your stupid Insurance Salesman-mobile. If the alarm was meant to protect whatever valuables were stored inside your car, again, you can rest assured that most thieves are smart enough to understand that there probably isn't going to be a whole lot of valuable shit in a '94 Tercel that Blue Books at around three grand. Even if some crackhead DOES decide to steal your ashtray full of change, your stupid alarm isn't going to stop him, unless it manages to send his hopped-up heart into cardiac arrest.

The only thing your alarm IS going to accomplish is sending me far enough over the edge to walk outside and use an office chair to beat the shit out of your windshield, Sobchack-stizz ("This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"), until that infernal bleating ceases to make me wish I were deaf.

Sincerely,

Alex Blagg

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In other, less homocidal news:

--I am performing along with Will Franken and Sheng Wang in the "New Wave of Comedy" series at The Purple Onion this Saturday, August 6th at 8pm.

--Dane Cook's new comedy album recently debuted at #5 in the Billboard charts, the first time a comedian has debuted this high in 26 years, since Steve Martin. But is he a joke thief? (you have to read the whole thread)

--If you haven't already, check out my favorite radio show, "The Sound of Young America".

--My good friend Nick Case is helping produce "Wild Tigers I Have Known", a new film from Sundance Lab writer/director Cam Archer. Executive produced by Gus Van Sant, this should be a really great film, and they start principal photography tomorrow - here's wishing them the best of luck.

--The Spinto Band is playing Bottom of the Hill on Monday, August 15th. Should be a great show.