Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Transcript of a Conversation Between the Average Internet Commenter and Their Shrink

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DOCTOR: Let's get back to WHY you leave the angry comments.

COMMENTER: I'm not sure, doctor.

DOCTOR: I think you are.

COMMENTER (shifting in chair uncomfortably): Well, sometimes I read things on the Internet that piss me off.

DOCTOR: Why do they piss you off?

COMMENTER: Because they're about me.

DOCTOR: So you know the people whose sites you comment on?

COMMENTER: Well, no. Not exactly.

DOCTOR: Then how could they be about you?

COMMENTER: Well, because these assholes will just make fun of people, or things, and sometimes what they're making fun of sort of applies to me.

DOCTOR: But these people don't know you.

COMMENTER: Look, it just fucking pisses me off, okay? You're a fucking talentless faggot, you fuckity fuckface!

DOCTOR: See that, you just went there again, to that place you go when leaving the comments. Why do you think that is?

COMMENTER: You fucking suck and you're a moron idiot asshole. Fuck you.

DOCTOR: Come on, I think we're getting somewhere here. Why do these words make you so angry?

COMMENTER: Because the smug assholes who write them think they're fucking better than me! They think they can make fun of me and get away with it, and someone has to stop them!

DOCTOR: Why do you think they write those words?

COMMENTER: To piss me off.

DOCTOR: You think these people would want to spend that much time, conceiving and writing these words, just to piss you off? You don't think there's any other reason they might do it?

COMMENTER: I guess some people might think they're funny.

DOCTOR: Why do you think that is?

COMMENTER: I don't know, why do people think shit is funny?

DOCTOR: Usually because they see some truth in it.

COMMENTER: That, or they're just faggots!

DOCTOR: What people find humorous is completely subjective. I'm more interested in why reading someone else's thoughts on the Internet angers you to the point of making obscene, racist or hate-filled comments.

COMMENTER: 'Cause I don't like people talking about me!

DOCTOR: Again, if these people don't even know you, their words could not possibly be about you.

COMMENTER: Well, they are insulting to me!

DOCTOR: And how does that make you feel?

COMMENTER: Fucking pissed!

DOCTOR: Why does it make you feel like that? What are those words physically doing to make you so angry?

COMMENTER: I dunno, they're just...THERE!

DOCTOR: On your computer screen?


DOCTOR: How did they get on your computer screen?

COMMENTER: I went to the webpage, and there they were!

DOCTOR: Why did you go there?

COMMENTER: Go where?

DOCTOR: To the webpage.


DOCTOR: Yes, I think you do.

COMMENTER: Because I wanted to see what was there.

DOCTOR: You wanted to see words that would just make you angry?

DOCTOR: You wanted the words that make you angry to appear on your screen?

COMMENTER (hangs head): Yeah.


COMMENTER: Because I'm a miserable asshole and I hate myself.

DOCTOR: Awesome, that'll be $250.


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