Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I'll Drink Starbucks If I Want, You Stupid Hippies

As if the exorbitant rent prices weren't enough, part of the price of living in San Francisco is putting up with an endless stream of hippie bullshit. Even though there are more protests here than there are ATM machines, I'm usually pretty good about blocking out the stupid signs and bullhorned babbling of a bunch of morons with nothing better to do. However, this morning, as I was walking out of Starbucks with my coffee, still bleary-eyed and half-asleep, some dumb anarchist-punk-hippie-activist" yells at me, "KEEP SUCKING THAT CORPORATE COCK!"

Once the desire to sear her face with my hot coffee finally subsided, I laughed at her and moved on, meditating on the mind-shattering stupidity of both her statement and her entire existence. See, San Francisco is full of these sneering, self-righteous assholes who think the fact that they choose to drink shitty coffee from some mom-and-pop place that can only afford to brew a fresh pot every six hours, somehow makes them some kind of anti-corporate hero.

Being anti-Starbucks is the fucking lamest thing I've ever heard of. It's a coffee shop for chrissakes, not a fascist military-industrial complex. Know why there are so many Starbucks, why they're "taking over the world"? Because they serve good fucking coffee and people tend to like things that are good! So you can sit around your favorite "local coffee house" listening to shitty spoken word open mics and plotting your meaningless protests to overthrow capitalism, but I'm still going to be drinking the fuck out of my Venti Sumatra blend long after the entrepreneurially retarded hippies who run your place finally have to close up shop to make way for another glorious green and black Starbucks, motherfuckers. And I will piss all over your stupid javahouse graves (and my pee will smell like sweet, sweet Starbucks coffee).

The fact is, most of the people who protest shit like Starbucks are only doing so because some emo band or Michael Moore or the Rainbow Coalition or whoever told them to. A few weeks ago, a group of "anarchists" marched through my neighborhood, the Mission (which is about as far from fucking gentrification as one can get in SF), protesting "corporate America". Why? Protesting corporate America in the Mission is like protesting Hitler in Jerusalem - pointless and obvious. Then, then brainiac protester-with-nothing-to-protest beat up a cop for no reason, sending him to the hospital with a major head wound, and broke the windows of several LOCAL businesses. And they have the nerve to put up an announcement on the Internet soliciting bail money for the asshole who attacked the cop. I can't believe there's anything I could hate in the world more than cops, but I've found it: hippies. I'll take the entire porky precinct over a bunch of brainless activists any day of the week.

Once her life has turned into the impoverished, directionless wreck it is destined to become, I hope that bitch who yelled at me this morning ends up working at Starbucks, because I would love nothing more than sip a delicious Starbucks coffee while I watch the "corporate cock" plant itself permanently in her stupid mouth, mercifully plugging the endless river of retarded hippie rhetoric she seems so delighted to pollute the world with. And I hope its a Venti.

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