Wednesday, August 10, 2005

80's Teen Movie Parties: a Tribute

I've been on sort of a nostalgic movie kick recently, re-watching several of the flicks I loved as a child: Sixteen Candles, Teen Wolf, Weird Science, Karate Kid (actually I watch that about twice a week), etc. Anyway, something dawned on me while watching these films - I've never in my life had the experience of going to a party even half as amazingly insane as the parties found in teen movies from the 80's.

In pretty much every teen movie party sequence, there's always that establishing shot outside of the party, where the trees are covered in toilet paper, a few stoners are passed out on the lawn, a car is crashed into a nearby light pole, something is probably on fire, a couple is half-naked and making out on top of someone's father's car. The cops never seem to mind, or for that matter, even exist.

Inside the party, there are always like 10,000 people, screaming and dancing and spray-painting the walls. Foreign exchange students are fired out of cannons, empty kegs are tossed out of windows, hot nympho aliens show up to blow all the virgin boys at the party so they can "re-fuel" to get back to their home planet. People die at these parties, and the house is always destroyed beyond any possibility of repair. The character whose house is demolished never seems to mind, because they're usually too busy pulling pranks on the dorks who made the mistake of showing up to their raging celebration of popularity and hedonistic coolness.

Any of you ever go to a party like that? Most of the parties I went to involved going over to the home of some attention-craved loser whose parents were out of town and who'd decided to have a party in a sort of lame attempt to bribe his peers into social acceptance. The evening would usually be spent drinking Zimas, or whatever other shitty booze the football players could convince the homeless guy to buy for them, while I stood around trying to talk one of the chicks from the Volleyball team into giving me a 3rd rate handjob before the party's glorious and inevitable climax, when a fucking SWAT team of action-hungry suburban cops showed up in flak jackets and shit like they were storming Pablo Escobar's compound, and hauled a couple of the slower-moving kids off to jail to be picked up a few hours later by their scowling parents. Rock and roll.

If you're reading this, and you still happen to be in high school (in which case you probably shouldn't be reading this), do yourself and all your friends a favor. Next time that dorky guy with the traveling parents decides to throw a party in order to win over your friendship, get your shit together and figure out a way to turn it into an apocalyptic carnival of drinking, drugs, underage sex and foreign exchange student abuse. Get creative. Watch these movies for inspiration and make it your goal to replicate the parties down to the smallest details. Don't be afraid to burn the place down. Or if you're feeling less destructive, rent one of those "fun jumps" they have at kids' parties, cover it with booze-infused jello, and have no-holds barred naked wrestling matches with high-class hookers while your friends poor Everclear all over you and shoot Roman Candles at your neighbors' pets, until the fuzz show up and drag you all off into the night, drunk, beautiful and triumphant.

Otherwise you'll end up like me, twenty-five years old and sitting in your darkened living room watching "Sixteen Candles" with a joint in one hand and a kleenex in the other, thinking, "you blew it, man".

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