Friday, July 08, 2005

U.S. to Pull Out of Iraq, Come All Over It


BAGHDAD -- After more than two years of fucking the shit out of Iraq, the United States military is finally ready to pull out, and come all over the broken and exhausted nation.

"When we first saw Iraq, she was all oiled up, just laying there all helpless and vulnerable. I mean, she was practically begging to be fucked", said President George W. Bush as he gazed longingly at a map of Iran, adding, "Damn, she's hot. It's like twins or something!"

When the United States first inserted itself into Iraq, they stated the clear objective of finding Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, which might have made the sexual act beneficial for both parties. But no matter how hard the US tried, or how many positions they did it in, they simply could not locate the Weapons of Mass Destruction and bring Iraq to a climax.

"This is without a doubt the worst sex we've ever had," said one Iraqi, "even worse than when Saddam fucked us. At least he'd apologize afterwards, buy some flowers and tell us he loved us."

A few months into the sex, people began speculating that the United States was too heavily intoxicated on hubris and greed to be able to perform adequately.

"Clearly they have no idea what they're doing," said Saddam Hussein.

Reports another Iraqi civilian: "They were pretty rough from the beginning, biting and pinching even our most innocent spots. But things got really weird when the United States started tying us up. They just wanted to do all this sick, freaky shit. I mean, you saw Abu Ghirab. We're used to having it a little rough, but we're not freaking masochists, for Allah's sake!"

Despite insistent claims of affection for Iraq, the United States started looking more and more like a rapist to many of the people observing the filmed broadcasts of the copulation.

"They can say whatever they want about human rights," said a French official, "but we can all see that the Americans are just using Iraq. They could have at least gotten permission to fuck her, like they did with Bosnia."

U.S. Officials report that the reason for finally wrapping up this marathon sex act is that we're running low on Viagra.

"We've got military recruiters all over the place, asking parents to send us more of their kids," said Donald Rumsfeld, "I guess no one wants to party anymore."

Now that the U.S. is finally ready to blow their load all over Iraq, certain American citizens have expressed concern about the military's recovery time.

"I just hope they can get it up again soon," said one Senator, "because it looks like all this sex in Iraq has sure gotten Al-Qaeda horny."

-Associated Press

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.