But I Wanna Book Deal, Too!

Every day I sit here, wracking my brain for some amusing little observation or anecdote to entertain the few hundred of you good enough to visit this site regularly to read my ranting and raving.

With the exception of the measly hundred bucks or so I'm getting for allowing pornographers to advertise here, I receive no compensation for what I do. And that's okay. This is as much for me as it is for you. But it seems like every time I get online, I read about some talentless vessel of suck getting a lucrative book deal based on their shitty, uninteresting blogs.

Being one who hates to miss the party, I've decided that, if I want a book deal too, I'm going to have to change the format of this blog to one of the following:

1. Writing About How Drunk My Buddies and I Get, and All the Crazy Hijinks That Ensue While We Try To Nail Chicks - Hopefully I'll quickly gain attention after the Internet discovers my "famous" story about the time that I got so wasted that I shat all over myself in a Long John Silver's parking lot, ripped off my khakis and ran all the way home butt naked, then sexually assaulted the neighbor's border collie before finally passing out in my bathroom while getting a blowjob from a hooker.

2. Writing (Unoriginally) About Dating While Also Unnecessarily Reminiscing on My Over-privileged Childhood -- If Candace Bushnell can make millions of dollars by writing annoyingly precious little stories about her cute misadventures as a single woman in the Big City, why can't I just rip her off poorly? I could even add in a few excerpts from my Jr. High journals about snuggling with my father and going rollerskating, just for good measure! That'll probably pull in like, what, a few hundred thousand?

3. Writing About Being a Bought-and-Paid-For, Dignity-less Sperm Bank on Capitol Hill -- I'm sure I could move to Washington, secure a job in a political office of some sort, and offer up my every orifice for the gratification of the sleazebag politicos surrounding me - just as long as they buy me some Manolo Blahniks first! But even better - I can PUBLISH my shameful indignities on a salacious blog, so they be read by all the sweaty, feverish losers in the world who will be titilated by the insinuations that sometimes people fuck other people with more power than them! Hi Mom!

4. Writing About My Pointless Opinions On Why Bush Sucks/Rules -- If anything in the world is going to stop/strengthen the Republican Machine, it is blogging. I mean, in our media-saturated age of constant broadcasting, where is anyone going to find out the truth about George W. Bush's incompetence/brilliance? They need my completely unqualified, uneducated and uninformed observations and interpretations of what I read in the papers and watch on TV if they ever hope to get the full picture on why George W. Bush is destroying civilization as we know it/triumphantly leading us into the Aryan utopia we have always dreamed of.

5. Build a Flux Capacitator, Go Back In Time, Land a Role in 'Stand By Me', Grow Up to Be A Pretty Unaffected, Generally Likeable Dude -- Damned you, Wil Wheaton!