Wednesday, June 01, 2005

5 Movies I Wish People Would Stop Quoting

5. "Old School" -- Look, I thought the movie was funny, too. I really did. Will Ferrell is a genius. But if you're still quoting this movie every time you and your buddies go out drinking, you're an asshole and Will Ferrell should sue you. Why? Because you're ruining his career. Each time I hear some dicknose yell, "I'll do one!" before taking a shot, then pointing at their friends while screaming, "You're my boy, Blue!" - it makes me like Will Ferrell just a little less. Thanks to assholes like you, he's headed straight towards a Sandler-esque form of meathead mediocrity.

4. "Office Space" -- I've said this before, but for fuck's sake - STOP QUOTING THIS MOVIE AT WORK. Referencing a Swingline Stapler, Bill Lumberg or Michael Bolton does not make you a hilarious co-worker. You want to show me your "O-Face"? How about I show you my "punch you in the face". Honestly, I would rather be strapped to my chair, forced to listen to an unending debate over who is going to be America's Next Top Model, while watching the fat secretary shove another Lean Pocket down her throat, and simultaneously being beaten with the contents of my inbox, than have to suffer through yet another reference to getting the stupid fucking memo about the TPS Reports. I wish you jackass "office comedians" would just go back to posting "Dilbert" and "Cathy" comics outside your cube, like you did before this movie came out. Ignoring you used to be so much easier.

3. "Sideways" -- You're not drinking any Merlot. We've got it. Shut the fuck up and go back to drinking whatever 2 Buck Chuck you were swilling down before this movie made you the world's eminent authority on enjoying wine. Furthermore, talking about wine at all is completely inane and pointless, a topic of conversation reserved only for the most insecure, pretentious assholes on the planet. Who gives a fuck if you can taste a "flutter of" oak or nutmeg or fucking Jolly Ranchers. I don't give a shit. There should only be two acceptable words for describing wine: "Good" and "Bad". That's it, there's no need to give us a wordy description of the flavors, aromas and childhood memories the wine "evokes" for you. It's just booze - drink enough of it to dull that nagging feeling that you're an annoying douche, and shut up already.

2. "Napoleon Dynamite" -- Vote for Pedro? No, I vote for you shutting the hell up. Napoleon Dynamite is the cinematic equivalent of the "Fun Pak" candy where you dip those sticks of sugar into the pouches of colored sugar - it tastes good for a second, but by the time it's over you want to throw up and have a root canal. Not to downplay my own annoyance with endless Napoleon impressions, but you know who I really feel sorry for? High school teachers. As if their job wasn't already hard enough, I'm sure they just love it when a room full of teenage girls shriek in laughter every time some smartass screams out, "It's a liger!". It's really no wonder we keep hearing these stories of high school teachers having sex with their students. Clearly, they're hate-fucking them, which is a problem that could probably be averted if everyone would stop saying, "Gosh!" and "Friggin' Idiot" every chance they get.

1. "Swingers" -- It takes a special kind of douchebag to STILL be shamelessly quoting this movie, totally oblivious to the fact that Swingers was actually making fun of the same lame assholes you and your friends have spent the last ten years trying to become. When I hear someone quote from this movie, especially at a bar, I immediately know that 1) they don't get laid very much, despite dedicating an embarrassing amount of their time trying to, 2) they spend all their time talking about getting 'beautiful babies' because they can't admit they're gay, and 3) I will hate them. Guess what, idiots? You're so NOT 'Fucking Money' - and you don't even know it. You're the opposite of money. You are the abject poverty of culture and style. Keep reading Maxim and deluding yourselves into thinking that girls love drunk assholes, then wondering why you go home alone every night and masturbate unsuccessfully to boozy fantasies about your friend who thinks he's Vince Vaughn.

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