Thursday, May 05, 2005

Why Are You Staring At Me?

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I'm sorry, can I help you with something? Oh. Well, I wasn't sure - because you keep staring at me.

Let me guess, you've never seen a man dressed in a "Church of Satan" Pilot's cap, black vinyl pants, moonboots, full zombie make-up and a lace blouse? Well I guess you don't get out much. This happens to be a very stylish and expensive outfit. Last Tuesday, I was voted "Darkest Dressed" at Club Darkness. No, its not an actual nightclub, its a party they put on every other month at the Eagle's Nest Lounge. No, it's over on the west side. Yeah, by the TJ Maxx. Whatever, it's exquisite.

What do you mean, "Why am I crouched on the picnic table like this?" It's fucking comfortable, that's why! Have you ever gotten dressed up like a comic book zombie, crouched on a picnic table, smiling coyly until an unsuspecting child comes along, at which point you POUNCE towards them screaming, "Bansheeeee!"? No, I didn't think you had. Well, this happens to be a rather pleasant and rewarding pastime. I do it every Thursday afternoon.

Look, you've asked your questions and had your fun - can you please leave me alone now? You know, I don't dress this way for attention. I do it because THIS IS WHO I AM. This is the REAL Gabriel. Just because you're too vanilla to wrap your brain around that doesn't mean you have to constantly stare at me like I'm some kind of circus freak. I'm a human being, for Satan's sake! It takes a long time to get this shit all over me. You thinking lacing up these boots is easy? There's like 400 holes!

Ok, buddy - if you don't stop staring at me, you and I are going to have a real problem here. Why are you laughing? You think I'm helpless? Maybe you've heard of a little group called Satan's Pawns. I'm their leader. Yeah, most of the gang's still in high school, but we're the most evil people you'll ever meet. We pretty much spend all our time coming up with diabolical schemes to reign terror and darkness upon the world. Like this one time, last month, we met at the Southland Mall, dumped a bunch of fake blood down on the first floor, then took off! It was insane! Don't tell anyone about that - the cops are still asking questions.

Wait, where are you going? Don't you want to look at me anymore? Oh, the gym. No, that's cool, go ahead. I've grown weary of your questioning gaze anyway. Actually, I'm going to hang out here on the picnic table for awhile. At least until my girlfriend gets off work. They we're going to go to Hot Topic and show those posers the true meaning of Evil by stealing a bunch of the Marilyn Manson stickers and putting them all over the Gap.

See you later. Or, I guess I should say, see ME later. Heh.

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