Tuesday, May 17, 2005

re: The Office Snack Situation

To: All Employees
From: Tricia, Office Coordinator

It has recently come to my attention that certain people have been abusing the free snacks we provide in the company break room. Specifically, there have been reports of individuals raiding the snack cupboards as soon as a new shipment arrives, then hoarding whole boxes or cases of a particular snack in or around their personal work space, as to ensure nobody else shares or enjoys their chosen snacks. There have even been allegations of people taking snacks off the premises, then sharing them with their families and roommates.

Let it be understood, right here and now, that ANYONE caught stashing or stealing string cheese, gummy fruits, pretzels or any other company-provided snacks will be written up, with a permanent report in their Human Resources file. We provide these snacks for you, free of charge, as a way of saying "Thank You" for your hard work and dedication. However, if you people cannot be adult enough to share and enjoy the snacks responsibly, certain preventative measures will be taken to stop the rogue snack pilferers who are selfishly determined to ruin a good thing for the rest of us.

If the snack theft does not stop immediately, I will have no choice but to put locks on all snack cabinets, then ration out a prudent daily amount of said snacks for employees to enjoy. I'm not yet sure what these rations will be, as I'm hoping the current situation does not escalate far beyond its present state of crisis. However, I can assure you that our overall snack consumption will decrease dramatically, resulting in a break room climate of post-apocalyptic desperation for the few scraps of food I decide to make available. It will be like "Lord of the Flies" every single day, just to get a small pouch of Wheat Thins. If for some reason the rationing doesn't work, and people continue to find ways to abuse the snacks, we will cease offering them altogether. Then you will all starve or, worse, be forced to purchase your own food.

Also, while we are on the topic of break room indulgence, I would like to remind everyone - once again - that the "Fiji" waters located on the top shelves in the refrigerator are reserved for consumption by upper management only. These are executive waters. All other employees should be drinking the "Arrowhead" water provided on the lower shelves of the fridge, or drawing water from the fountain in the hallway. If you keep working hard and paying your dues, one day you too could be enjoying the cool, crisp waters of the executives. If you already are, rest assured that we will find out who you are soon enough and, mark my words, you will never enjoy these waters again.

If you have witnessed anyone abusing the snack situation or undeservedly partaking in the executive waters, please do not hesitate to notify a superior. Even if you're just suspicious someone might be getting more snacks than yourself, it never hurts to report them to either myself or the proper management figures. Unless those people abusing the snacks are themselves management figures, in which case you are encouraged to file an anonymous report with upper management, in which case one of the executives will investigate the matter, especially if it involves their water. We guarantee that all reports will be investigated.

Thank you and keep your hands off my Teddy Grahams.

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