Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Oh My God - We're Just Like the Girls on Sex and the City!

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"Samantha", "Charlotte", "Big", "Miranda" and Me, "Carrie"

Wait, I just realized something. Oh my God, you guys - we are JUST like the girls on "Sex and the City"! We're all single, successful, beautiful women living in the Big City. Well, we might live in Kansas City - but it's still a city! We're basically just like Carrie Bradshaw and Friends!

Okay, let me elaborate. Since I write "My Heart, This Land", a regular advice column for the KC Union Weekly, I get to be Carrie. Also we're both blonde, wacky, self-absorbed man-haters. Plus, my column has a lot of rhetorical questions, metaphors about dating and poorly developed theories about what men really want. Carrie loves having Cosmopolitans at Suede, and I love having Smirnoff Ices at Pat McGuire's Pub and Grill. Same difference.

Janet, you're probably Miranda. I know she's a well-to-do lawyer and you're just an assistant at a law firm who barely scrapes by, but its close enough. I mean, you DID finally pay off your Camry - that's pretty successful. Also, you're the more practical, mom-like one who is overly neurotic and seems to hate fun. Also, she's kind of fugly and, no offense or anything, but we all know that you get laid the least. And your hair dye is reddish.

Jeanelle, you're DEFINITELY Samantha. Seeing as how you've fucked every potent man in Kansas City that you're not related to, you are our own shining little beacon of female sexual empowerment. Remember, girl - next time you're laying there, legs flopping around in the air in a cheap Motel 6, being savagely pounded by some methed-up trucker passing through town, you are not a slut. You are Samantha. Go, girl!

So that leaves you, Tricia. You would have to be Charlotte. It makes sense if you think about it - she's a prissy socialite desperate for a husband and children. You're a divorcee who blew her marriage settlement on painkillers and a Talbots account. Basically, the only difference is that you already have children - but since the court said you can't see them, it's kind of the same thing. Also, you're a superficial, spoiled bitch who thinks her shit smells like butterflies and rose petals.

Just look at us, ladies - sitting here having brunch together, talking about boys and careers and relationships. Just like the girls on "Sex and the City"! Speaking of brunch, what are you guys gonna have?

I think I'm going to go with the Grand Slam Breakfast.

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