Tuesday, May 03, 2005

I Work In Advertising, Goddammit!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

What do you mean, you won't go home with me? Let me tell you something right now - I work in advertising, goddammit! I have the coolest job in the world because I am the coolest person in the world. Do you understand what that means, you hot little piece of Asian action?

First of all, I'm hilarious and witty. Everyone in advertising is, although usually not as much as me. I am the sole reason the party DOESN'T suck. When I show up, all eyes are on me, like Tupac - he's my nigga. I have so many hilarious stories and anecdotes its insane. They're mostly about chicks I've nailed, sales I've made, free shit I've gotten, money I've made or shows on HBO. Most of them are lies, but who gives a shit - people want to be charmed and entertained. And fucked.

People at my office call me a ROCKSTAR because I do such badass work. I could sell a retirement plan to a cancer patient, motherfucker! I am a sales master - a wizard, a genius, a goddamned selling machine! I am the Mick Jagger of getting people to buy shit. And since I'm a Rockstar, I dress the part. I don't really give a shit if I AM pushing forty, shit from the Diesel Store looks amazing on me! Also, I drink Rockstar energy drink - Red Bull is for pussies!

Also, as a Rockstar, I get fucking blackout wasted every night! There's pretty much always an open bar tab somewhere and I never miss one of them. You know why? Because I love chicks and booze. Chicks, man! I LOVE CHICKS! I've banged every chick I've ever met! Chicks love me because I'm hot and I smell like Axe Body Spray and I shave my balls. They love that shit. Chicks, dude - CHICKS!

I have like 63 iPods and I wear one everywhere, every day, ALL THE TIME! I do this because I fucking rock, just like those silhouettes you see in the ads. I am hip and modern and urban and edgy - THAT is my demographic! Even when I'm not listening to my iPod, I keep the headphones in my ears because it looks awesome and I want people to know that I am AWESOME! The only band I ever listen to is Coldplay, because they're AWESOME!

I have an expense account! I can charge all the shit I want on it and get paid back by my company. And I'm a MASTER of thinking up ways to get reimbursed for stuff that's not even for work. This one time, I charged a handjob (with reacharound) from an Asian massage parlor and wrote it off as "work-related stress relief". Wow, maybe the chick who gave it to me was one of your cousins or something!

I get free stuff ALL THE TIME! Those bottomfeeding media reps want to pimp their shit to me so badly they give me whatever I want, on command! I haven't paid for a meal in 3 years and I have a stack of TiVo's in my closet six feet high! I could snap my fingers and have an endangered species wiped out. They're called perks - and I'm drowning in them, bitches!

Even though Advertising is Awesome, I'm only doing this until I make it in Hollywood. I'm going to be an actor or a director or a writer or a producer, I haven't decided yet. Either way, I'm going to be rich and famous as fuck, which is why I'm not really worried about my mounting debt. Yes, the lease to my black Porche is pricey, but I deserve it because I work in advertising, goddammit!

Do you have any idea how much money I'm responsible for? My accounts total up to, like, a bajillion dollars! Do you know what kind of Q1 sales I did? I'll show you the fucking numbers. I spend all day figuring out ingenious ways to scare or trick people into buying shit they don't need - and I'm brilliant at it! You know those pop-up ads you can never get rid of? Those were MY IDEA.

I'm a Goddamned Ad Dude and I hate humanity almost as much as I hate myself!

Now let me fuck you.


Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.