Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Bowser Confession

This is not easy for me. And though I am experiencing a mixture of guilt, fear, self-loathing and regret right now, I know that I can no longer engage you, my valued readers, in this shameful deception. There is something you must know about me.

I never beat Super Mario Bros.

Like many other kids growing up in a middle-class household, I spent innumerable hours of my youth parked in front of my original Nintendo Entertainment System, locked in an endless quest to conquer, defeat and beat as many of Nintendo's substantial catalog of games as I could.

Throughout the years, I enjoyed a number of proud victories - Metroid, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Castlevania and most of the Mega Man's, to name a few. Several defeats - Marble Madness, Rygar, Bad Dudes and Punch Out (hey, Tyson was nearly fucking impossible). And whole lot of games abondoned out of sheer confusion and/or boredom - Friday the 13th, Kid Icarus, Excitebike. But to do this day (I still own an original NES), I have not beaten the very first Nintendo game I ever played - Super Mario Bros.

I read all the hints and secrets in Nintendo Power. I know where all the warps and shortcuts and freebies are. I've been to World 8 so many times, I know it like my own neighborhood. I even went on to beat Super Mario Bros. 2 & 3, with relative ease. I completed the Super Mario World game on the Nintendo 64. I made a 1350 on my SAT. I graduated high school and college with honors. I got a job, a life, a number of worldly acheivements. I have a blog, goddammit!

But still, at no point have I ever beaten Bowser, and for that, I am a failure, bound to my own suffering and the infinite sadness within me. I feel guilty that I have allowed you to read my blog for this long without knowing my terrible confession. I beg your forgiveness, and hope that you take some consolation in the fact that I have indeed succesfully beaten Contra.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Natch.

UPDATE: Let it be known that, at approximately 7:16 pm on Saturday, the 28th day of May, in this year of our lord 2005, Alex C. Blagg has completed a quest over 18 years in the making. After playing Super Mario Bros. for nearly three days straight, he has indeed successfully conquered the game. However, he did use the "warp vine" on level 4 that took him straight to level 8.

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