A BlaggBlogg User's Guide
I've been lucky to have many new visitors to this website in the past few days. To those of you who are new, "welcome" and I hope you stick around. To those of you who've been reading awhile, keep doing so or I'll punch you in the face. I also want to thank everyone who voted for me as "best blogger" and "best comedian" in the "SF Weekly Best of 2005" Reader's Poll. I really appreciate your support and I'll safely release your children now.
So, as BlaggBlogg forges ahead into its new era, there are a few things I think you should all know about this website and the young man who writes it:
1. This is a humor site. And as such, what you will find here are my daily attempts at the creation of humor. Sometimes I am successful, in which case you may laugh. Sometimes I am not, in which case you may use my "comment" feature to savagely berate me as both a writer and a human being. Don't forget to emphasize your criticism with the occasional well-placed insult, such as "faggot".
2. As a humor site, what I write here are JOKES. I know that is sort of stating the obvious, but one would be surprised to discover how many people who spend time at a humor site lack any discernible sense of humor. This is satire. I observe stereotypes, then put them together to create a humorous portrait of someone I think we can relate to. If you find yourself identifying with those stereotypes and feel angered that I am making fun of you, I urge you to laugh it off and consider the fact I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW YOU. It's not my fault your existence is a punchline. Are you listening here, DJ's? Chill the fuck out already.
3. I have neither an editor, nor the time to extensively edit myself. I crap most of these things out in about 20 minutes and try to do a once-over for typos and misspellings, but that's about it. If you think my grammar, usage or spelling sucks, go teach 7th Grade English and marry a self-loathing masochist, you OCD dork.
4. I am for sale. Currently this site hosts no advertising and I receive no compensation for what I do here, other than the brief respite from my boring workday. However, if I can figure out a way to cash in on this or get hired in some kind of dream-job where someone pays me just to write funny shit all day, I'll do it in a heartbeat. What is a blog if not a desperate plea for attention? You can call me a sell-out all you want, but I'll sleep like a baby on Ambien.
5. This is also a brain dump. At any given time I'm working on a number of personal film, TV or book projects. What I do here is like sex with a hooker - quick, dirty and cheap. So if you're looking for art or truth or wisdom, you've come to the wrong place. I'm just a 24 year-old functioning retard who knows dick about the world other than the fact it can be fun to laugh at.
So thanks a lot for reading. If you like what you see, forward my link to some friends. While I'm not expecting to win any Pulitzers or anything, I hope you find something amusing here. If not, too bad, the Internet's full of porn, celebrity gossip and people with shitty half-baked political opinions. Go find your bliss.