Wednesday, April 27, 2005

We WILL Get Off This Plane Before You!

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Look, I'm sure you're nice people - we've truly enjoyed your inflight banter. Your stories about Florida have been interesting and we really hope your son works out his alcohol problems. But when that "fasten seatbelts" light goes off, you had better stay the fuck out of our way. We WILL get off this plane before you - mabye by as much as 30 or 45 seconds - or my name isn't Harv Peterson.

It's nothing personal, you just have to understand - we only have one hour to connect to a flight that is nearly seven gates away. And in that time, we must also stop at Starbucks, enjoy a BBQ lunch, check our e-mail, pay our taxes and pick up the latest copy of "Us Weekly". We can only accomplish these things if we get off this plane as soon as humanly possible - and trust us, we will.

How will we do this? Simple, my friends. When the plane reaches the gate, we will hop up and grab our oversized luggage and make a mad dash down the aisle, pushing and elbowing any passengers or wayward children who get in our way. I will ignore the complaints and insults hurled by the other passengers and I will scream at my wife and berate her mercilessly if I don't think she's moving her ass fast enough.

Honey, prepare to initiate deboarding sequence B. Do it NOW!

Do you feel that? That's the tension and anticipation building as everyone prepares to collect their belongings and exit the aircraft. Those idiots think this is going to be a civil and orderly process where they file out row by row, politely allowing others to exit the plane in front of them. Not on my fucking watch. My wife and I are going to storm down that aisle like its the running of the bulls!

Yes, I have considered the fact that we are seated near the back of the aircraft. Do you really think that's an obstacle we haven't been confronted with before? One time I was seated 36 rows back and still managed to be the first living soul off the plane. I broke some old lady's hip bone, but every war has its casualties. Also, we would have had seats closer to the front if my wife here wasn't such an incompetent bitch.

Anyway, I hate to cut this short - but I've got a plane full of people to piss off here. The trick is making a huge ruckus from the very beginning so people get the message that we're the kind of assholes who will knock them down if they get in our way.

Honey, get the luggage. Let's go, let's go, MOVE IT!

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