Things I'm Thinking About As I Google My Highschool Girlfriend, Again
Let's see...no new e-mail. No recent comments on the blog. Site stats are good - stable. Already read this week's Onion. Hmm. I could work. Nah...
I wonder what Molly* is up to these days? Its been nearly a week since I last checked. Let's head over to Google see if there have been any developments, shall we?
Oh wait, she got married. I wonder if she took her husband's name. What am I talking about - of course she did, she's old school Southern.
Shit, that's way more common of a name. There are probably a billion Molly Walshes in the world.
Yep. Goddammit, why did she have to marry a commoner like a Walsh? Walsh sounds like a fucking roofer or something. I bet he's a roofer. No, I remember - he's an area sales manager for a beverage manufacturer. I hope he knows he's made my future Google stalking of his wife incredibly difficult. Selfish prick.
If she would have married me, her other ex-boyfriends would have had a WAY easier time finding her online. Blagg - now THAT's a unique name. Not a lot of Blaggs in the world. I happen to know for a fact that I am one of only 3 "Alex Blagg's" in human existence, at least according to Google. And I have the best page ranking. In fact, let's take another look at that.
Ah yes. Upon quick perusal, anyone who Googles me will immediately understand that I am a successful humorist. I have a blog. With traffic. I contribute to popular humor sites. In other words, I am a winner. Living the dream. Satisfaction washes over me. I wonder if Molly ever Googles me. If so, I bet she wonders what her life would have been like with a comedian. Probably a lot funnier than with Walsh the Beverage Seller. If -- I mean when -- I get famous someday, boy will she be sorry. I bet she'll call me, crying and vulnerable, rambling about how she made a big mistake and she's unhappy with Walsh and their marriage is so routine and boring. And I will chuckle softly. God, that's going to be SWEET. Anyway, back to stalking her:
Shit, I don't think any of these people are her. Last I heard she was still at Vanderbilt. This is pointless. Maybe I should just Google her maiden name again:
Yeah, nothing new here. She's doing well in school. Marriage announcement in our high school newsletter. I guess I'll just read that again.
Picture is good. She's still pretty hot. I'd totally do her if she ever wanted to again. It could happen. She's about to finish law school. Just what the world needs - another lawyer. A lawyer and a beverage seller. How unique. Haha, they honeymooned in San Francisco. God, that would have been an awkward run-in. I would give my firstborn child to have been given such an exquisite opportunity to cause misery in the lives of others. I don't think there's anyone the happy honeymooning couple would have wanted to see less. Shit, that would have been awesome.
Alright, this is getting boring. She's clearly happy and has moved on with her life. So what's my problem? I can't believe I'm doing this. How sad and pathetic. I'm pathetic. If she knew I was sitting here, 7 years later, still giving a shit about our stupid high school relationship, she'd probably laugh at me. Or call the cops. We're obviously way different people now. This is retarded, I need to think of something more productive to be doing with my time. I'm depressed now. There's only one thing that could possibly cheer me up...
*name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. actually, i just don't want her to google herself and see this. how fucking embarassing would THAT be?