Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Look, Nobody Cares That You're a DJ

You know who you are. Standing behind that deck of turntables, holding one headphone to your ear, being pretentious and aloof as you play with knobs and shuffle through records. You can just settle down, because nobody cares that you're a DJ.

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1. Rave DJ -- Dude, first of all, raves were never even cool to begin with. The fact that you're still trying to "keep the party going" ten years later is bordering on The Most Pathetic Thing Ever. You can pile up all the lasers and lights and disco balls and glo sticks and pacifiers you want, but all you'll have is a big heap of Who Gives A Shit. And quit passing out all those stupid glossy promo cards announcing your latest weekly "Bliss-Chillout-Ambient-House-Electro-fest". You're 35 now -- isn't that a little old to be handing out postcards with psychadelic robots all over them? Also, your "DJ Name", whatever it is, is stupid.

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2. Hipster DJ -- You silly scenesters can stand there and look as jaded and above-it-all as you want, but you're not fooling me into thinking you're some kind of fucking rock star. Say it along with me, "I am not a musician". No matter how many obscure bands you know or how big your record collection is, you're playing someone else's music. So stop acting like Mick fucking Jagger at every retarded party and gallery opening I go to. I have a pretty impressive DVD collection and know quite a bit about film history, but if I show up at your house and play Taxi Driver for you, does that make me Martin Scorsese? No, it doesn't. Also, whatever you're wearing right now, it looks ridiculous.

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3. Celebrity DJ -- Hey Carlos D, Danny Masterson and every indie rocker in the world -- you're already a star. You're already rich, already famous, already spreading your "love" (and herpes) far and wide with all the groupies you could possibly want. Do you seriously need more attention? Do you need to show us that you have really excellent taste in music? Do you need to throw in an ironically bad song to show us you also have an adorable, self-deprecating sense of humor? Really, you do? Well turn off the fucking lights when you're done, assholes.

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4. Angry Hip Hop DJ -- Sup dude, you're cool.

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5. Angry Music Snob DJ -- I don't really care if you have rare original first-press Joy Division vinyl, you're still just a douchebag with a record player. Don't you get tired of lugging around 400 pounds of vinyl just to be ignored by bars and clubs full of people who haven't heard of -- and could care less about -- your music collection? Get an iPod, dude. And don't even THINK about launching into your diatribe about how mp3s are inferior and DJ's who use iPod's are posers. There is no "art" to DJing. I don't care if you're using turntables, iPods, a laptop or a My First Sony Record Player, you're still just playing other people's music. Get over yourself, you pretentious jackass.

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6. DJ Groupie Chick -- I'm sure your parents are proud.

The point is, while I enjoy good music in the background when I'm out reveling, I think we can all agree to cut out the lame DJ worship. I mean, think of how many people you know who claim to be DJ's. Everyon'e a fucking DJ. I'm DJing right now here in my cubicle. I just segued from Bloc Party's "Banquet" into Kings of Leon's "The Bucket" - isn't that amazing?

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Just shut up, idiot.


UPDATE, 5/16/05: Look DJs, before you get all pissed off, please read this.

Also, if you STILL feel compelled to comment, please read the bajillion other comments that have already been made. Chances are, whatever retarded defense you were going to offer about the "craft of DJing" or "beat matching" or "turntabilism" or whatever has already been make like 89 times. This isn't a debate. I think DJs are retarded morons, but there's no need to try to convince me otherwise. I'm not even reading your long-winded comments and they're only making my point further. Save your time and go learn a real skill.

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