Monday, March 07, 2005

When In Doubt, Peel Out

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I was walking home Sunday morning with my coffee when I encountered a post-comedown "raver" couple getting into a screaming argument in the middle of the street, presumably over who drank the last of the vodka and Red Bull, or used up all the Vicks Vapor Rub or something.

As the blonde-tipped, orange-tanned Backseat Barbie shrieked grotesquely, her hair-gelled, ecstacy-selling, FUBU-sporting boyfriend simply could not take it anymore. He stormed over to his yellow 2001 Mustang GT, ripped the door open, jumped into the vehicle, revved the engine and finally PEELED OUT in a glorious symphony of squealing tire and techno music.

It was a sight to behold. And as I walked the rest of the way home, I meditated upon how PEELING OUT is the most awesome move ever. I remembered countless other events in my life where some person, simply fed up beyond the point of words or violence, hopped into their vehicle, made a furious racket, and sped off into the horizon, loudly conveying to all spectators that the person had "had it".

One guy from my high school PEELED OUT almost weekly. It seemed as if you couldn't even nod your head and say, "Hey, Brad" without him flying into an automotive rage and rocking a PEEL OUT that left nothing behind but some old tire and everyone looking at each other like, "okay". He was a master of the form. I wonder where he's at today? God willing, he's probably PEELING OUT of an Arby's parking lot at this very moment.

I don't have a car because I'm environmentally conscious poor, but if I did, I would PEEL OUT every damned time I got into it. Those of you who own automobiles should ask yourself, "Am I PEELING OUT as much as I should be?" How else can you expect to fully convey your frustration and/or badassness with those around you, if you're unwilling to break while accelerating and PEEL THE FUCK OUT now and then. Are you afraid of confronting your feelings?

Here are a few tips and hypothetical scenarios on how to execute a successful PEEL OUT:

1. Peeling Out at the Office -- Your boss and your co-workers probably think you're a pussy. Just face it, sitting there in your cubicle with your slacks and your solid-color ties, executing banal little tasks all the live-long day, nobody around you could possibly recognize your inner badassness. So what better way to blow off some steam--or tire, as it were--while showing your co-workers how much you Rawk, than by throwing that badboy Miata into overdrive and PEELING OUT of your company parking lot? See who starts getting invited to the happy hours with the "cool guys". Hell, you'll be an executive in no time.

2. Peeling Out at Bars and Nightclubs -- Is there anything in the world more awesomely badass than stumbling out of some one-word-named club ("Ice", "Sky", "Fluid", etc.), puking on your shoes, throwing yourself into the driver's seat of your leased BMW and inexplicably PEELING OUT in front of all the dudes and chicks waiting in line to get in? No, there's not. Sorry, but that's as badass as anyone could ever hope to be. Unless of course, your $23,000 system is bumping 50 Cent while you do it, then you're even more badass.

3. Peeling Out from the Red Light -- So there you are, sitting at a stoplight, and you look over at some little pansy in his Geo Metro, and he has the nerve to casually glance at you. That's right, he's fucking looking at you! YOU! There is really only one way to handle this situation. Immediately begin revving your engine as loud as possible until the moment when the light turns green, then PEEL OUT! (Note: if you get stuck at another stoplight 30 seconds later, and the guy is now laughing at you, DO NOT hesitate to put that bitch back in his place and PEEL OUT AGAIN.)

4. Peeling Out from Your Parents' House -- Nothing shows mom and dad how rebellious you are quite like jumping into the vehicle they have provided for you and sending a hellish screech down your quiet suburban street as you PEEL OUT on your way to the mall. Also, when you turn 25 and finally move out, then you come home to visit, it is still perfectly OK to PEEL OUT. That way mom and dad will know they've raised a complete and total badass, which is really what parenting is all about.

5. Peeling Out of the Drive Thru -- There's nothing funnier and cooler than hitting a Taco Bell drive-thru late at night and giving obnoxious and obscene orders to the impoverished immigrants who are manning it. Well, there is one thing funnier and cooler. Instead of ordering actual menu items, order various sexual phrases and innuendos (like, "Can I get the Donkey Punch Combo?") and wait for their exasperated, puzzled responses, then pull up to the window, throw a bunch of change at them and PEEL OUT while you howl laughter and spill Gordita sauce all over your Kenneth Cole shirt. Yo Quiero PEEL OUT? You bet your ass.

Those are just a few simple suggestions to optimize your PEEL OUT experience, but I think it was Meatloaf who said it best in this little ditty, which might be his greatest song (certainly his greatest title) of all time:

Peel out! Peel out! Peel out! We're sick and tired of waiting in line
Peel out! Peel out! Peel out! Nobody's taking our time
Peel out! Peel out! Peel out!
Tire tracks and broken hearts, that's all we're leaving behind
There oughta be a law and there better be a crime

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