Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The Customer Is Always An Idiot

I happen to work next door to a Whole Foods Market, which is one of those fruity California grocery stores where everything is overpriced because it is "organic, free range, super-health-charged, protien-enhanced, etc". The rich, self-obsessed and insecure soccer moms out here love that sort of shit. I also eat lunch there almost every day because its close and I'm too lazy to go find something else.

Recently, I have taken to the habit of enjoying my lunch at the table nearest to the "Customer Suggestion Bulletin Board". This is a place where customers can write out things they like or don't like about the store, then some unseen "Whole Foods Representative" will type out a response to thier query and paste it up on the board. Sounds pretty boring, right? Wrong.

The hippies that not only shop at Whole Foods, but take the time to write out stupid requests about whatever obscure holistic product their religion-of-the-month recommended they use, provide me with a much-needed source of lunchtime entertainment. In fact, I recently stole a few of my favorite suggestions and responses, and I will now share them with you. I will also include what my response to these people would have been, if I worked at Whole Foods (which I am glad I don't).

Suggestion #1 -- Before showing up at your store, I called and asked an employee if there was any Chicken-Shitakke (sic) Mushroom soup left, and he said there was. When I got here, it was gone. This is ridicuoless (sic).

Whole Foods' Response -- We are sorry you were unable to enjoy our delicious soup after you'd been told we were still in stock. This is one of our more popular items and, as a result, it often sells out quicker than we can make it! Be sure to keep checking back.

What I Would Have Said -- Hey, dickwad, did not getting your stupid soup really bother you enough to take the time to write out this retarded comment? Do you know what's REALLY ridiculous? That there are people in the world who eat fucking worms out of the dirt because they are starving and can't afford plain rice, much less the $6.75 for a cup of Whole Foods' delicious Chicken-Shittake soup. If you couldn't get to the store fast enough to get the soup before it was gone, its your own fucking fault. Maybe if you weren't driving that idiotic SUV, you'd be able to navigate through traffic a little faster and you'd get your fucking soup. Also, how do you know the "employee" you talked to had anything to do with the soup? You were probably speaking with Jorge, the underpaid immigrant custodian who has to mop up the puddles of soup you spill/waste because you're a retard.

Suggestion #2 -- Could you please start carrying more soy-based milk alternatives for your hot chocolate selection?

Whole Foods' Response -- While we appreciate this helpful suggestion, we have currently been unable to find what we would consider to be a quality soy-based hot chocolate product. However, we will continue looking, so keep checking back.

What I Would Have Said -- Shut up, hippie. If you can't "handle" regular milk in your hot chocolate, you don't get to drink hot chocolate. I know this sucks, but get some fucking perspective. At least you don't have cancer.

Suggestion #3 -- I wish you had tastier Vegan energy bars to choose from. The Vegan products you do have aren't my favorite, and the majority of the tasty bars are non-Vegan. Please check into this.

Whole Foods' Response -- We are sorry you are not satisfied with our selection of Vegan energy bars. We try to offer our customers the very best products from the most popular vendors, but sometimes people's tastes are different from our own. We will explore other options, but hope you can find helpful selections among our many other Vegan-friendly products.

What I Would Have Said -- You goddamned hippies. It's never enough for you people, is it? You can't eat a PowerBar because it contains .05 ounces of milk from some "poor cow", so we do you a favor and go find some ridiculous Vegan product to offer as a substitute, even though we know that the market for these products is small, and we'll probably not profit from them -- but we want to keep you hippies happy, so we offer the item anyway. And now you don't like how it TASTES? Are you fucking serious, hippie? Since when did you become Zagats Guide to what tastes good? You smell like hot garbage, Sierra Nevada and patchouli. Also, NEWSFLASH: All Vegan products pretty much taste the same -- like 3 year-old compost mixed with lawn clippings. Maybe if I hold you down and shove raw beef into your mouth, you'll learn to shut the hell up and go back to your drum circle.

Suggestion #4 -- I am a customer of your herbal supplements and wish you would stock Mugwort. It is good for illness and also helps psychic abilities.

Whole Foods' Response -- Thank you for your suggestion. Though I am not familiar with this item, I will have our herbal specialist research it, and if it is something we think our customers would find of value, we will begin carrying it.

What I Would Have Said -- Look, moron. I know that your power crystals told you to go see the mystic healer down by the Walgreens, and the healer sent you over to the shaman by the Burger King, and the shaman advised you to set forth on a spiritual journey to the psychic over by the Target, but I think you're a weak-minded sheep who would drink a warm cup of my piss if New Age monthly told you it might make you less confused about your miserable life. I'm not carrying your stupid herbs because it won't make you or anyone else psychic. In fact, there's no such thing as psychic. In this world, there's just idiots and the people smart enough to make a few bucks off of them. You fall into the former category, but I'll still sell you my magical secrets to unlocking your true inner potential for $100.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.