Thursday, February 17, 2005

I'm Not A Rockstar

There's nothing worse than when a superior co-worker praises my hard work by saying, "Wow, you're a rockstar!"

No, Janice, I'm actually NOT a rockstar. Rockstars ride around in limos, doing blow off the bronze thighs of the hot models they're sandwiched between. I work in a cubicle and drink shitty coffee. There is a difference.

While we're at it, I'm also sick of people referring to themselves and their co-workers as "the team". This is not a sport, there are no winners, no mascots, no cheerleaders and no TV coverage. Just a bunch of sellout losers leading lives of quiet desperation, hoping they'll pull in enough to pay their taxes and maybe get a new Honda. So we can cut out all the stupid sports metaphors like, "step up to the plate", "take the lead", "be the point man" and the bajillion other idiotic phrases we use to delude ourselves into thinking what we're doing here is somehow exciting or fun.

Please stop saying the boss "have a vision". Martin Scorsese has "a vision". Pablo Picasso had "a vision". What people here have are stupid and annoying marketing gimmicks they think might raise this quarter's profits a few hundredths of a percent. It's different.

Look, coming in on a monday and saying "somebody's got a case of the mondays" doesn't make you Richard fucking Pryor. We've all seen Office Space, we all thought that joke was funny the first 29 gazillion times we heard, so please stop trying to be "crazy office comedian" guy with your stupid Office Space quotes.

Stop fucking talking about The Apprentice all day long. You're not Donald Trump, you're just some douche with a mid-level salary and weak benefits. Even if you WERE Donald Trump, you'd still suck, because he's a horrible douche and his show is stupid and lame. Basically, you're tuning in and wasting your life watching a show that is actually just an hour long commercial for useless bullshit. Then coming to work the next day and dissecting each moronic plot point like it's some revolutionary new theory about metaphysics? I wish you could see yourself from my point of view.

You know what, just shut up altogether. Don't talk to me. Just let me sit here in peace, reading the whole Internet while pretending to work.

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